By my 30th birthday I wanted to be married or at least in a much fulfilled relationship, making at least 60k+ a year, driving my dream car, and pursuing my marketing dreams. Yet, I’m not in a “titled” relationship, I’m making half of my dream salary, my car needs a much needed paint job, and I’m not working in marketing nor pursuing those dreams. It really feels like I missed my mark when it comes to my heart’s desires. I feel like I’m at a point in my life where my struggles should be non existent. I should be the lender and not the borrower. It would feel good for once to not have the order the cheapest item on the menu or always order water because I’m trying to save a dime. It’s so bad I even do it on dates, trying to save them money! I feel like nothing is right at 30 because my Benjamins are funny.
Two years ago I lost a very good paying job due to the economy and I started drowning. Since then, I seem to not have reached dry land. I used to have the best credit score but now I’m falling behind on bills and can’t seem to catch up. Yet I’m still positive; yet I’m still attending church; yet I still tithe (when I can) and I treat everyone right. But it’s still so very hard. I look around at my circle of friends and see them doing big things and going places. I can’t help but wonder when that will be me. Did I cause this on myself? Maybe it’s because I talked to that man or because I don’t pray every night on my knees or because I still drink socially. Im left wondering what am I doing wrong that’s affecting my Benjamins.
I’ve started looking for a part time job, but how can I do that? I have a full time job and I’m a full time mother and with no physical help from my son’s father, that idea is null and void. I started to doubt myself and my situation from getting any better until one day I read Matthew 8: 23-27: And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there’s arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves, but he was asleep. And they went and woke him saying. “Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” And he said to them, “why are you afraid o you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” (ESV)
I knew then that God knew I would be in this situation before the situation found me. Daniel 2:21 says,” He changes times and seasons.” (ESV)
I began to feel like David in Psalms 27:13, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” (ESV)
God has promised me so much and I’m standing on His promises. On Oct. 13, 2011, the day I turned 30 years old, I didn’t have a marriage or a fulfilled relationship, but my son was alive and well. I wasn’t making 60k+ a year, but I had food on my table and a roof over my head. I wasn’t driving my dream car, but I didn’t have to walk wherever I wanted to go. I wasn’t pursuing my dreams of marketing, but I did have a job. My Benjamins had nothing on that!
I love You and I thank You for mapping out my life. You know what’s best for me and You know the destiny that’s mine. Help me not to give up when my heart and mind gets weary. Thank You for the hard times and when the good times come back around, only You will receive all my praises. Strengthen my faith, for I know my best days are ahead of me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen!
Ladies, I EMPOWER you to not focus on the Benjamins for God is our resource that is never ending. When it gets tough, always remember God is a rewarder to those that earnestly seek Him. Much Love Ladies!
Ms. Hassanah White is a dedicated member of Faith Walkers Church in Birmingham, Alabama where their motto is to “Walk it out by Faith.” She also serves as a member of the Praise Dance Ministry. Hassanah is a true professional in the realm of marketing and customer service. She’s a proud mother of a very energetic little boy named Jaden. Hassanah believes laughter and prayer are the best medicines for any situation. Her favorite scripture is Hebrews 11:6: “And without Faith it is impossible to please GOD, because anyone who comes to Him must BELIEVE that He exists and that He REWARDS those who earnestly seek Him.”