Miscellaneous

Why Did I Get Married: Damaged Goods

NEWS FLASH: It is not your husband’s fault that you have trust issues, low self-esteem that stems from your childhood or other insecurities, mental blocks with sex because of past relationships, unrealistic fantasies about being married, or gender role problems that challenge his manhood!

WHEW! Some of the above statements flashed across my mind as I stood in the mirror frustrated with my husband…….or was I really frustrated with myself?

I have an issue with being insecure in a few areas. What woman doesn’t? When I was single and even dating my husband, I thought that when we married he would fill the role of “savior” of all of my issues and problems. I thought that he would make all of my issues go away by feeding me endless compliments and gestures of reaffirmation. One night, some years ago, we had a blow up. I specifically remember him saying to me “I dare not go there with you and your weight. YOU are the one that has the problem with it, NOT ME!” See, I was manipulating him into situations that tried to force him to secure my pitiful insecurities about my body. <PAUSE> Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love it when he notices a new toe nail color, thinks my new pumps are haute, or compliments my fit in a cute pair of jeans, but when you are insecure those subtle and sincere compliments are not enough.

<press PLAY> One morning on one of my runs (or shuffle jogs as my brother jokingly describes me) God shared with me that I was wounded. I was wounded in a place that no one, not even the love of my life could heal. I was bound by insecurities of not being good enough from seeing my parent’s marriage disintegrate and becoming overly suspicious of men and self-conscious. I was wounded by society’s countless attacks on women with bigger “ahems” than the other and noting that anything over a size 10 with extra padding (especially if it wasn’t there in the beginning) will cause a man to turn away. All of these ridiculous thoughts held me captive to my own insecurities. They caused me to lash out in fear. As these series of issues flowed from my heart the Holy Spirit reminded me, “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” John 8:36 KJV I needed to let go.

I released the notion that I was not good enough to make my man happy if I picked up a pound or 20 (thanks to those lovely babies, ha!). I released fear of my marriage ending in a divorce. I removed the burden from his shoulders that caused him to walk on eggshells when it came to my “needy” moments of affirmation. The Holy Spirit reminded me again, that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” I AM A GOOD THING! Yes I may have entered my marriage damaged, broken, a lil’ shaky, or even torn, but I am reminded that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (from Psalm 139:14) that “even the hairs of [my] head are all numbered. Fear not; [I] am of more value that many sparrows.” Luke, 12:7 ESV, and “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 NIV I am FREE!

Dear Daddy,

Thank You for allowing me to recognize that all power resides with You. That You can secure any insecurity, fix anything that is broken, and heal any wound. Help me to remember that some things are not problems my husband can solve but they are problems that are embedded in my heart that only You can heal. Lord I ask that you create in me a clean heart, and renew a right Spirit within me. It is my prayer that any baggage I have that is coming between my marriage that You remove it in the name of Jesus and restore a fixed connection of love, trust, and honor in my marriage. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Ladies, I EMPOWER you to stop and think about the real problem. Are you damaged goods? Do you have issues from your past that you need healing from that are causing a wedge between you and your spouse? I declare in the name of Jesus that you seek the Lord for healing, restoration, and power to overcome any issues of blame, resentment, and anger towards your spouse due to your own embedded issues that God can heal and through prayer seek help to help you heal. What God put together, let no one (even you) separate it.

Have you ever had an argument with your spouse but deep down you knew it really wasn’t his fault? Share with us some ways you have faced your problems to better you as a woman to move forward in your relationships.

Read a related EmpowerMoment: F.R.E.E.

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As a professional, Mrs. Khalilah Burton is College Biology Instructor. She is also currently pursuing a Doctorate of Education in Higher Ed and Community College Leadership. Khalilah is passionate about her faith journey and uses this key scripture as her inspiration: “But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” Hebrews 11:6.  She teaches Young Adult Bible Study and Sunday School and also serves as a guest speaker and panelist for various events for women and Christian empowerment.  Khalilah resides in Huntsville, Alabama with her wonderful husband Donald Burton, Jr. and their energetic three year old daughter where they attend St. Luke Christian Church.

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5 thoughts on “Why Did I Get Married: Damaged Goods”

  1. That was wonderful and much needed! I am so guilty. However I wish it was just 20 lbs for me, It was 100 lbs for me! I am 100 lbs over weight. I often feel like I have every right to think that he is not attracted to me (I wouldn’t be attracted to me). This is very hard and lonely journey. I know that I am the only one that can change it. There is just no drive, no motivation. I often feel to broken to fix my pitiful self! So sad. I know I am damaged goods! I see you’re a college instructor, that is awesome! Education would be another one, I was never good in school, don’t have a degree, I can’t even help my 7th and 9th grader with homework. I always feel less then. I often feel like people around me (including hubby) feel the same way about me as I feel about myself. Yes I am damaged goods.

    1. Noel, you are a Good Thing! Weight is only ONE issue I shared but there are so many. It is my prayer that God reveals to you how valuable you are. You are so important to your family. Your academic progress and weight do not define who you are. My Sister, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are valuable! I appreciate you and your support.

    1. Hi Rockie, aren’t we all, lol. But the awesome thing about God is that He can heal and restore us! I am convinced that he can heal our broken past. Thank you so much for reading, be encouraged.

  2. I’m proud of you for putting your insecurities out there in the open. That’s awesome that you have a husband that love you w/ your “flaws and all”. I’m glad that you were able to release your insecurities! That takes courage!

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