407. Time and Punishment

Sex and the City has been one of my favorite shows since I entered adulthood. Season 4 episode 7 opens with Carrie saying “Once Aidan and I were back together, it seemed like nothing had ever happened to break us apart.” That was until her ex-boyfriend Big calls and Aidan hears. In a previous season, Carrie cheated on Aidan with Big – a major conflict within their relationship. The rest of the episode revolves around Carrie trying to get back into Aidan’s good graces or what she refers to as his “nook.”

So here is my transparent truth. I cheated on my King. I’m too ashamed to admit exactly how long it’s been but a lot of time has elapsed. Even though my life as gotten “easier” per se it seems my tasks have gotten “harder”. I feel I’m no longer in His “nook”. I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where we use to be. Church isn’t exciting. I’d rather be on Instagram than read my Bible. Overall, I feel as if I’ve fallen from His good graces or out of God’s nook. Matthew 18:12-13 says, “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.” I cry out, “I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.” (Psalm 119:176 NIV) yet I still feel as if I’m alone and out here by myself. I feel as if I’m still on the farm and protected but there is a security and comfort that takes place when in relationship because that partner is there to help, support, provide direction and uplift.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to recognize my downfall and pray for me or talk to me about it. It’s becoming annoying that everyone keeps putting a bow on my drowning instead of being real. In the episode no one quite knew what to say to Carrie to help her with getting back into Aiden’s nook. I feel similar. People say “Dené you are doing good! You are progressing! Keep up the good work!” And even when I tell them I’m not working, I’m not moving it’s like no one hears me. So, I distance myself from people.

That’s the thing though – no one could solve Carrie’s issues with Aidan but Carrie. Carrie had to put her relationship first and get it back on track so she could gain Aiden’s trust again.

During the episode Carrie does just about everything to get back into Aiden’s good graces but it wasn’t until the end that she stopped trying to show him that she was sorry and begged for his forgiveness. He knocked on her door, she opened and wept, “You have to forgive me.” The episode ends with Carrie saying, “As for Aidan, he and I weren’t quite back to where we were. We might never be there again but we were in a new place, a more honest place. And somehow, over time I had made my way back into the nook.”

I’m pretty lost in life right now and I’ve hit my wall of not being able to pretend or fake the funk anymore. I need God more now than during my lowest points in life and it’s because I feel a haze over my eyes and a cover over my ears. I know, we will never be where we use to be but we will find a new place, a restored peace and a better relationship. There’s one thing I know for sure and that’s the goodness of God and His unwavering support and grace. Know, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39 NIV)

Dear Daddy,

I thank You for never leaving or forsaking me no matter how alone I may feel. I humbly come to you and ask for Your forgiveness and that You be my rescuer in this time of need. God, I ask that your surround me with the right people and eliminate the people who are distractions. In Jesus name, Amen!

Ladies, I EMPOWER you to ask for forgiveness if you feel like you’ve fallen short recently and uplift your sisters in Christ through not only encouragement but honesty. If you have a friend or loved one who has been talking about the same goals for years or you see their arms are getting tired pray and ask God how you can have a tactful conversation with them or support them.

 What is something you’ve been struggling with?


Ms. Dené B. is a student of life who enjoys human studies and social media. She graduated from Loyola University Chicago where the motto is “Preparing People to Lead Extraordinary Lives,” She took her education and school spirit to heart and now is a young adult striving to live an extraordinary life while helping others achieve the same. With a Bachelor of Arts in Advertising and Public Relations and minors in Sociology and Visual Communication, Dené’s worked at a top PR firm but her greatest accomplishments resides in volunteer work with Autism Speaks and Big Brothers Big Sisters. Currently, she finds herself pursuing a vision God placed in her of starting her own business. One of her go to scriptures is, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV).