Notes From Me To Me

Dear Me…The New Wife

In honor of Women’s Month, each writer will be writing our EmpowerMoments full of encouragement and lessons to our younger selves in a series titled Notes From Me To Me. Sit back and enjoy our reflections, and also think about what would you say to your younger self.

Dear Me…the New Wife,

What a beautiful wedding!!! And now for the real stuff, the stuff I wish you knew before you said “I do.”

  1. Really, really, really take a long look at his imperfections and then remember yours. This man is imperfect just like you. While I know you see a greater man in him, don’t deny the flaws he has today and try to “change” him. There is a difference between tolerance and acceptance. Now is the time to put this into action. You cannot tolerate those imperfections because tolerance has a point where it becomes intolerance. You have to ACCEPT them. Paraphrasing from John 8:7, Jesus said, He who is without sin cast the first stone! This scripture will save your marriage from some of the battles that are coming. Further, this is what it means to love and not be self-seeking. Understanding this was the toughest pill I had to swallow, but it will get you to a better place with him sooner than later. You’ll thank me for it.
  2. Pause! This word, phrase, verb, whatever you want to call it will save you and your new husband a lot of heart ache. Don’t be so quick to respond, quick to anger, or even quick to judge. Remember this, “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 KJV) You have a characteristic that in many cases, down the road, will be used for your good, but you have yet to learn how to refine this. Your quick tongue can literally kill your husband. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21 KJV) Think of it this way, a man’s ego is like bark on a tree. It is what protects him, what makes him strong, what helps to shield him from adverse external threats. Well, a nagging wife is like chipping away at that ego. It is like tearing off the bark of a tree. It doesn’t grow back so quickly and sometimes never. So be careful how quickly you “fire” back.
  3. Manipulation is NOT submission! Let’s remember, you are the one who chose to marry this man and you are the one who chose to follow God’s plan for your husband to the head and priest of your home. Don’t try to manipulate situations and circumstances to try and trick him into “following” your plans and ideas, and then act like you are submitting. Or worse, hiding things and decisions from him. Everything done in the dark comes to light and you don’t want the trust in your marriage to be strained because you don’t trust his judgment. That isn’t fair; you have to give him a chance. Trust freely, God ordained this marriage and this man to be your covering. To truly submit is to have an understanding that although you have these great ideas, you need to present them to him on the front end and ALLOW him to make the final decision, trusting he has your best interest at heart. Fast forwarding nine years from today, I can tell you, this will be one of the best things you can ever do!
  4. Throw the TV out of your bedroom…in your head. I don’t literally mean throw out your television, but I do mean throw out the thoughts in your head that you have seen or heard about what men like when it comes to intimacy. Have conversations about your husband’s preferences and likes before you start swinging from chandeliers because you thought that was how “it was supposed to go.” Learn how to love him. “Love is patient and kind,” (I Corinthians 13:4a NIV) That means love considers the thoughts of others.
  5. Finally, pray more for him. I think it is great that your marriage has a Godly foundation, but you two are going to come against some trials that will knock some of the most seasoned relationships off of their feet. Intimately learn how to pray for him. Have more conversations with God on how you can be a Godly wife and a Godly friend to him. The wisdom that God will give you early on will help you when the children come, when the moves occur, and when you have to sacrifice for things that are uncertain.

Your future is so rich with this man, trust me. Nine years in your future, I can tell you, it is going to be GOOD! But take heed to my advice, it will be even better than what I am witnessing right now…and that’s hard to beat!

Dear Daddy,

Thank You for the sanctity of marriage. Thank You for making it Holy, honorable, and a reflection of your love. Lord, I pray that You strengthen each wife, fiancée, girlfriend and lady in waiting with Godly wisdom on how to love, respect, and honor her husband. May You bless their conversations, their interactions, finances, love-making, their friends, and their children. Lord, teach us as wives how to be women after your own heart, how to pause and listen to the Holy Spirit and how to be a true helper to our husbands. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

Ladies, I EMPOWER you to include God in your marriage. This sounds so simple, yet is so hard to do. Marriage can reveal your true character, and for me, I found I wasn’t so great. But letting God into your heart and allowing Him to mold you as a wife will be the best thing you can do for your marriage. Check out more of my marriage posts here.

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As a professional, Mrs. Khalilah Burton is a university administrator.  She is also currently pursuing a Doctorate of Education in Community College Leadership. Khalilah is passionate about her faith journey and uses this key scripture as her inspiration: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 NIV) Khalilah also serves as a guest speaker and panelist for various events for women and Christian empowerment. Her passion for servant-hood is implemented through serving her community with Girl Scouts and her sorority, mentoring young women, and marriage empowerment. She resides in Daphne, Alabama with her wonderful husband Donald Burton, Jr. and their two daughters. Currently, they are seeking a  church home in their new city.

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